This week, I want to give you all some straight talk about something. It is currently 3:23 in the morning as I am writing this. I’m currently wearing one of my Nu-Way t-shirts and some plain white drawers while I type this sentence. Aside from the light that comes off of my computer, there are no other lights on anywhere in the house. The rest of the group is currently sound asleep, and they will remain so for the next two to three hours. Everyone, with the exception of myself, that is.
There are probably some of you who are scratching your heads and wondering, “Ed, why are you up at this hour of the night?” And there’s a very straightforward explanation for that: I’m an idiot. A pure-T, grade A idiot. Because of my level of stupidity, the leader of North Korea makes Albert Einstein look like a genius. Or even better, Einstein and DA Vince combined into one person.
The reason why I’m sitting here at 3:34 in the morning writing a column is because… It’s not hard to understand at all. Earlier this evening, I gave a presentation over in Jones County to a group of people.
Since I had worked out at the Wellness Center before the meeting, I wasn’t really that hungry when it started at 7 o’clock, and I didn’t really feel like eating much during the meeting either. As a direct result of this, I did not eat very much while I was there.
As luck would have it, as soon as the gathering was over, which was somewhere around 8:30 p.m., I became aware that I was starting to feel hungry. As a direct consequence of this, I said my farewells, got in the car, and started driving towards Macon. And in the roughly ten minutes it took me to get there, I came to the conclusion that I was in the mood for some Mexican cuisine.
The cuisine of Mexico. At nine pm at night. Even though I’m a huge fan of Mexican cuisine, I can’t help but wonder what kind of a moron has taken up residence in my head. Whatever it was, it compelled me to stop at a Mexican restaurant where I devoured the following items:
One Small Guacamole Salad.
One Chile Relleno.
One serving of our delicious refried beans.
Rice prepared in the Spanish style.
On the side, there will be even more guacamole for dipping the chips into.
Not to mention the salsa that goes with those chips. A deliciously fiery and hot salsa.
I am aware of what all of you are thinking. But the bad part is, it gets even worse. After eating such a substantial dinner, for some inexplicable reason, I was still hungry. As a result, I came to the conclusion that the best way to round everything off would be to treat everyone to a classic banana split.
I then made my way to the closest Dairy Queen, where I placed an order for a banana split and proceeded to devour it in its entirety. I am not exaggerating, I knocked it out in a little under five minutes. After that, I went home with a full stomach and a sense of modest pride in myself, as if I’d managed to pull a fast one on Deb or something. After that, I got into bed, took a quick shower, and fell asleep almost immediately.
To this point. Why do I put myself through such stress? Since I’ve been in here for the past half an hour basically announcing my intention to become a citizen, I don’t think I’ll ever eat another banana split again. The sound coming from my stomach is like that of a small animal being tormented inside of it. Additionally, for some inexplicable reason, the upper part of my lip is sweating, and it feels as though my hair is being pulled.
Even after berating myself in my head for the better part of an hour, I continue to feel terrible. Please excuse me… … I’m back; I was just brushing up on my knowledge of the restroom before coming back here. There are times when you have to go through the worst of times in order to come to the most profound of realizations, and I’ve learned the following from this experience:
You should under no circumstances eat ice cream after eating salsa. Ever. Never. In terms of how beneficial it is for you, you might as well eat the creosote off of a fence; in fact, it is probably more beneficial for you to do so.
When your stomach starts to rumble really bad, you should never take the stance that if you lay really still it will calm down and go away. This is a common misconception. The reality is that you fall back into a light sleep, but just as you begin to drift off, the most excruciating pain of your life begins to manifest itself. When this occurs, the phrase “a sudden awakening” takes on a very particular and important meaning.
Do not let your stupidity lead you to engage in something like this and then tell anyone about it. Even worse, don’t even think about putting it in writing and letting other people read it!
And there you have it: some self-inflicted anguish as well as some recently discovered insights. I suppose I should make an effort to go back to sleep. It is 4:15 in the morning, and it looks like I might be slowly re-entering the world of the living. At the very least, the unease in my stomach has subsided a little bit, or at least I’m hoping it has. So good night, make sure you get plenty of rest, and don’t let the spicy salsa wake you up…